I am not a fan of change. Well, that isn’t entirely true. Change that is really nothing more than a process or procedure and has zero emotional meaning for me is good – that kind of change I can do all day! But the stuff I’m emotionally invested in is a different story; when those changes are coming, I will be the one being dragged along, all the while kicking and screaming and begging serenity to find me or for Calgon to take me away (wow – doesn’t that show my age)!
Miller Life is in the center of 4 1/2 years of serious change and, like the last 19+ years, we can be sure that we will blink and this chapter will be over; on the other side is being “empty-nesters”. I’m not sure why CJM bringing home the high school scheduling sheet we’ll use to pick the classes for his freshman year of high school on the same day that JTM selected his classes for his junior year of high school took me by surprise. I’ve known it was coming for months but there I sat on Friday at our kitchen island feeling like I had just been hit by a hurricane.
“Did JTM pick the right classes for next year that will lead to the right classes for his senior year?”
“Have we done enough early research on what the colleges he wants to go to want from applicants?”
“What does have 2 high schoolers, one of who can drive, look like?”
“Are we setting the right expectations for curfew?”
“Does CJM get more leadway than JTM did as a freshman simply because he’ll likely be with his brother?”
“Should we really let them try to take a class together that they are trying to take? Is that even fair to do to a teacher?”
“How am I going to fill the void that comes with being the ex-middle school PTO president?”
“Can I really do the whole ‘take a step back’ and still feel like I am contributing to our children’s education?”
“Are we really sure that taking time for me isn’t selfish?”
“How am I supposed to find a reason to get out of bed, when forcing myself out so I can drive the boys to school isn’t a requirement, come August?”
“I’m too old and too tired to get used to a new version of me – I’m not so much awesome at the current version of me (but am clearly either making progress, fooling some folks or the people around me have super low expectations) – can’t we just stay right here for like, well forever?”
“How do I close the door on a dorm room, walk down the hall, get in the car and leave part of my heart behind?”
Socrates was a ridiculously wise gift to this earth but he can shove it on this one! I want to get used to this current version of me; I’ve been waiting for more than 30 years to get to this point. I’ve spent 15ish years messing my kids up and I think the “Amy I was made to be” could be a really great mama but time isn’t on my side; I’m certain I can’t become her and undo all I’ve done in the time I’ve got left. Looks like continuing to pray they’ll be successful enough to afford the therapy they’ll need to recover from having me as a mama is going to continue. The bottom line is that the change is just coming way to fast and I’m feeling pushed way beyond my comfort zone and it’s manifesting itself in ways that I’m already working to not get sucked into – anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, guilt, interrupted sleep,a constant feeling of being at war. After all, shedding lies I’ve believed about me for most of my life has already pushed me out of my comfort zone – how is it possible another push could even be possible and why in the world do I have to “move” again?
I can’t say that I was thrilled the moment the answer hit me like a 2’x4′ last night in the middle of what should have been an uncomplicated evening out supporting friends. It immediately reinforced my “I like ‘my people’ but people in general, I haven’t got a whole lot of use for” mindset. 22 hours later, the lesson is getting a little easier to accept but not before one of my sweet boys and I got into it (again) because my intentions didn’t (again) come across as intended. Hence, why I’m not going to be able to get too comfortable here because the zone has moved (again).
The only guarantee in life is change. Big, small, awesome, awful, meaningless, easy, hard and everything in between. What it is not is impossible! Old dogs being unable to learn new tricks is a lie but the dog has to be willing to do the hard work, look in the mirror and every day decide to inch away from the “old” and in the direction of the “new”. I’m still not quite sure why getting out of the comfort zone that in reality is full of “icky & gross stuff” is so hard, but it is. But here is to looking forward, building the new and changing the ending – maybe I can still save the boys a few bucks on therapy.
Be good to yourselves y’all. Be patient and kind and gentle to yourself. Remember, we’re all a continuous work in progress. ♥
I’m not “working a 12-step program” but these
will be my go-to words for a while.
(Photo: P3 Personalized Jewelry)