A little more than 60 days ago, I took up a sword to fight for something that I felt, in an intense, overwhelming, all-consuming way, was without a doubt the right thing to do. Yeah, yeah; I know that sometimes being at peace is more important than being right. This wasn’t one of those “sometimes”, even though there were moments when I was certain it might be the very thing that would be the final straw for me. I cried ugly while pleading my case to people that I wouldn’t normally let see that side of me. I cried ugly in wide open public spaces for all to see and in the darkest corners of my house. I medicated the wounds from the wall that I kept slamming into in a lot of ways. I dreamed of medicating the wounds in a lot of ways, too; fear, that I’d fail in those efforts or my boys being the ones to find me if I was successful, kept those impulses at bay. There was a moment today that I had the urge to throw the sword down and raise the white flag of surrender; I honestly thought I’d come face-to-face with the one thing that even a mama on a mission couldn’t make happen. And then it happened.
Maybe “compromise” is a more accurate word. For me, it felt like victory. The words from this morning’s Verse of the Day came rushing back:
“The LORD is my strength and my song; He has given me victory.” -Psalm 118:14-
So in the coming days, I’ll be adding an arrow to my wrist, near where a semicolon and cross are already permanently inked. It will remind me to be brave. To be strong. To be courageous. To know who I am and Whose I am. To believe that “where He guides, He also provides”. To tell the voice of “you’re out here on your own” to take a seat in the back. To not believe the lie of “there’s no way you can survive this”. And to remember that “An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it’s going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming.”
My family will just have to get over the tattoo; it won’t be the first time and likely won’t be the last. ♥